I’ve been a widow for a year now so I thought I’d make an entry in my diary to mark the event.
I have missed Tim terribly and have had several bouts of severe depression. One of the reasons for this is that I feel guilty that I didn’t appreciate him more when we were together. We were very different and had very different motivations in life but we did love each other and it’s that that’s important not the silly rows we had. I think we were each trying to prove a point, he was trying to enforce his principles on me and the family and I was defending my way of life. If we’d both been more accommodating this unnecessary conflict wouldn’t have blighted our relationship. I know much of Tim’s approach to things was right, his stand on the distribution of wealth, his views on global warming, destruction of the environment and so on. I know I was my fathers daughter, was extravagant, wasteful and so on. But because Tim kept pointing this out, kept mocking me I suppose I dug my heels in. It was as if he was assaulting my whole way of life and therefore me, the essence of me. So we allowed ourselves to be drawn into entrenched positions.
If only we could have talked our way through. After all we fell in love with each other as we were. So why did we want to then change each other? I like to think if we’d had more time together we would have resolved these differences and had a more relaxed relationship. I do get comfort from the fact that we were able to love one another, adore one another in spite of the different stands we took.
*. *. *. *. *. *. *. *. *. *. *. *. *. *. *. *
Since I lost Tim my life has changed out of all recognition. Believe it or not I’m now running Cwm Dinas Nursery. John and Wendy have been very supportive and Tim’s younger brother, Will has recently become my manager. The business is thriving, making a respectable profit. I put this down both to the knowledge I acquired working for Pet Supplies and a sizable investment taken out as a bank loan. My knowledge of plants is minimal although I’ve grown to appreciate Tim’s love of them. I’ve been able to make up for this gap in my knowledge by delegating. I’m much happier within myself that I ever have been. When I lived at home I didn’t feel I fitted in there. I was just a silly little rich girl with no self belief and no idea who I was and what I believed in. Tim pointed the way but he didn’t allow me to develop at my own speed, to find myself. He didn’t have the confidence in me to allow me to and, face it, some of his beliefs and ideas were a bit off the wall. Perhaps he adopted an extreme position to counter mine. Anyway that’s all water under the bridge and I have to go it alone.
The children have been great considering how much they must miss Tim. I think they support me at least as much as I support them. William works at the nursery at the weekend and is set to read a degree in horticulture, following in his father’s footsteps. I’m sure there will be room in the business for him should he want to. Diana is doing well at school and is just about to take her GCEs.
Mum came to live with me for the first three months which was great but after that we both needed more space so she left by mutual consent.
No one could replace Tim in my heart but I’m still relatively young and I don’t want to live the rest of my life without someone so I’ve decided to start looking for a new man in the near future. I’m not quite ready yet and I don’t think the children are either. Nor do I know what sort of person I want. Perhapssomeone more like me than Tim was, a rich man who appreciates the good things in life. Maybe one who is still connected to the real world, a farmer perhaps. We’ll see. Gordon is free and available and I do like him. So he’s a possibility. The trouble is that he’s become a good friend and if we started a relationship and it didn’t work out we’d lose that. If I just found someone on the Internet and that didn’t work I would have lost nothing.