Chapter Twenty Three

I’d been unsettled since the pornography episode. That and the rape had made me confused about my sexuality. Anyway I was sitting in the pub with Tim bored. He was rabbiting on about some stupid new plant his mother was growing for the nursery. I’ve never been bored in Tim’s company before. Just the sound of his voice, the expressions on his face, the movements of his lips would have enthralled me, whatever he was talking about. Well I suppose I shouldn’t expect that magic to last for ever. Our relationship was bound to change as we got to know each other. Familiar things were not as riveting as new ones. The initial excitement of falling in love, when you got butterflies in your stomach just anticipating the next meeting, couldn’t last forever. I tried to concentrate on what Tim was saying. He’d sensed my lack of interest and was asking me about my day but I encouraged him to continue with his tale.

As he did I couldn’t help noticing a chap on a table nearby ogling me. I don’t know if I’m normal but it does give me a nice warm feeling when a man notices me. I gave him a brief smile, so subtle, I hoped, that he would wonder if I’d responded to his attentions. I turned back to Tim and nodded and smiled at him to show him I was the dutiful wife paying attention even though I wasn’t really listening. Out of the corner of my eye I could see I was still being appraised and I was enjoying it. I swivelled round in my chair so the lower half of my body was facing the man and opened my legs subtly even though I was still facing Tim with the rest of me. That gave me real thrill. Too much. So I crossed my legs. I knew I had the man’s full attention. I had tight trousers on that were very revealing. The temptation to carry on with this display was too much so I uncrossed my legs and placed my hand on the top of my thigh so my thumb was resting right in my crutch. I moved it up and down slowly. I was finding it difficult to even pretend to be in conversation with Tim. My focus was completely elsewhere. Fortunately although frustratingly at the time, another man came and stood between us, blocking our sight lines, and started talking to my admirer. The break brought me to my senses before Tim got wind of what was happening. I knew I shouldn’t stay there waiting for the intruder to move so I got up to go to the ladies, completely ignoring the man I’d been flirting with. When I returned I told Tim I was tired and wanted to go home. The two men were still there and my admirer had obviously told his companion about what had been happening as I was aware of them both leering at me as we made our way past them to the exit. On the way back home in the car I couldn’t help recalling the experience. It was too pleasurable. I wanted to turn my feeling of arousal to us, to Tim, at bedtime. Tim didn’t seem interested and I felt deflated. What was I? A woman who got her thrills exposing her private parts to strangers, who found this more exciting that doing whatever with her husband? Well, I thought, I am what I am. No point in being ashamed. Just accept it.

Fortunately that was a one off and I’ve never felt the need to repeat my actions although I still do like to get men looking at me in a lecherous way. I find it flattering. And I do sometimes smile at them, just to let them know I’m enjoying their attention. And I am confused.