We’ve been back from France for a week now and we still are very distant with each other. Out of practice in the bedroom department perhaps. I hadn’t been in the best of health. Nothing serious, just feeling under the weather. I’d gone to bed early with a migraine leaving Tim doing his accounts, or so I thought. I woke up some time later. My headache had gone. I was surprised Tim was still up as it was ten past one in the morning and Tim usually is in bed by 10:30. I thought I’d get up and find out what he was up to. I put on my nightie, which was quite sexy and seeing the light on in the office, crept up behind Tim, intending to push my breasts into his neck and give him a surprise. Ugh! I saw what was on the computer screen. He was watching porn, some kind of orgy with girls having sex and oral sex and, and…. Ugh! I was shocked. Not my Tim. We had such a wonderful, fulfilling sex life. As I’d crept in he was still unaware of my presence so I watched quietly for a few minutes. I’d never really looked at porn before and was amazed at how attractive the performers were. How could they do what they were doing?
After a couple of minutes the time had come to make my presence known. “Tim,” was all I could manage. Tim reacted immediately, quickly shuting down the page he’d been watching only for another one to appear behind it with a girl with sperm from several men all over her face and tongue. He closed that too and several more pages of the same were behind that.
“Well you’ve really caught me out haven’t you? I’m seriously embarrassed. I hardly ever look at this stuff, honestly. But I have tonight.”
I said nothing. He shut his computer down and turned round looking sheepish.
“You look gorgeous, my love.”
“Tim, I’m really shocked. I never thought in a million years you’d be into this stuff. I thought we had great sex. Why this? Is there something you’re not telling me?”
“Listen honey, we do have great sex. Real sex. Pornography isn’t real. It’s fake. It’s different. Real sex is about touching, caressing, kissing, loving, intimacy. It’s soft and sensual. What I’ve been looking at is a different side of sex. It’s entirely visual for a start. I don’t really expect you to understand. I don’t understand the fascination myself. I find it disgusting but also its compulsive watching.”
“Don’t try to make light of this. Those images are awful.”
“I agree with you. Unfortunately though that’s what makes them so addictive.”
“How can disgusting be fascinating?”
“Well I’m not sure really and I do hate myself for watching. Makes me feel like a bit of a pervert?”
“You haven’t answered my question. What is the fascination?”
“Well I suppose there’s two elements to this. Firstly there’s the thought that there are beautiful young women who seem to enjoy such extreme sex. Women who are prepared, for instance, to suck off men in front of a camera, and seemingly enjoy doing it. Then, I suppose there is the fantasy element, imagining oneself enjoying that kind of thing. It is just fantasy though. I’m sure I’d run a mile if I was put into any of the situations I enjoy looking at. I’d be terrified. I was once attacked by a girl who was over eager and I found it a real turnoff.”
I was in shock and didn’t say anything.
“I avoid, like the plague, the kind of pornography where the women are degraded or treated violently. I can’t understand how that could be attractive. I like to think the participants are enjoying themselves. That’s the attraction – to watch attractive women enjoying whatever is being done to them.”
“Well it just makes me think you want to do those things to me. I don’t want your cock in my mouth and I certainly don’t want it up my bum. And I couldn’t be in an orgy. You enjoying this has made me feel completely inadequate.”
“I wouldn’t want you to do anything you don’t want to do. If I’m honest I do fantasise about you giving me a blow job but it is only a harmless fantasy. I’m sure I would enjoy it for real but only if you wanted to do it. As for anal sex I don’t see the attraction. But apparently some couples do it and because it’s taboo it turns them on – like affairs. The fact theyre doing something forbidden makes it more exciting.”
“Well I’m not sure if all your excuses make me feel any better. I’m just upset you feel the need to do this. I thought I gave you what you wanted. Now I think I can never do that. You’ll want I don’t know what.”
“Honestly Sophie, you’re making too much of this. Our sex life is perfect. I couldn’t be more happy with it. I hardly ever have the urge to look at pornography – generally it disgusts me. And it’s not that unusual for people to watch it. I know husbands and wives who enjoy looking at it as a turn on before making love.”
“No! I don’t believe you. Who?”
“Well I probably shouldn’t tell you as it’s obviously not something you’d want everyone to know but Jock and Teresa are one couple who do.”
“Yes. Really. Jock showed a few of us lads a DVD he’d bought and told us then that he’d already watched it with Teresa the previous night.
“Listen can we go to bed now, please. I know I’ve upset you but I’ve never pretended to be perfect. I’m a normal man and I’ve testosterone coursing through my veins. There are triggers that get men interested, you know, a short skirt, a pair of tight jeans, a revealing cleavage, that sort of thing. They’re not really like the sex we have. Although you obviously are aware that they work or you wouldn’t wear what you’re wearing. Anyway what happened to your migraine?”
“Oh it got better and I wanted to give you a sexy surprise.”
“Well you have so can we forget the pornography and get on with what we do so well together.”
“OK I’ll try to understand. Are you sure I give you enough?”
Tim then grabbed me, pushed the nightdress off my shoulders so it slipped to the floor, kissed me passionately and carried me back to bed. Maybe, I thought, pornography isn’t all bad if it does this to Tim. Afterwards, though, I couldn’t get to sleep thinking about what Tim had been watching, enjoying even. Men! I don’t think I’ll ever understand. I just know I enjoy sex to a point but there are lots of things that would disgust me. And having set my train of thought in that area the rape flooded back into my consciousness. Maybe I thought I should tell Tim now while he’s on the defensive.
I woke him gently by kissing his ear.
“Tim I’d like you to wake up please. I’ve something I’ve wanted to tell you for quite a while but for some reason haven’t been able to.”
“Darling I was asleep. Can’t it wait till morning.”
“No I’m sorry. It’s important and now I want to tell you it’s become a case of I have to tell you.”
So I told him the whole sorry story, as honestly as I could. I had to confess that the reason I hadn’t told him before was because I was worried he might somehow blame me or think I’d was soiled goods. His reaction was quite the opposite. I should have trusted him. In fact he was upset that I didn’t know him well enough or trust him enough to know that he would always be on my side. He seemed to understand why I didn’t want to take any action and he never suggested hunting Boris out and getting violent with him. I was a little disappointed, but not really. Tim didn’t believe violence solved anything and I think he’s right.
Anyway the upshot of my telling him is that I feel better having got it off my chest and Tim was sympathetic and understanding. So tot for tat. I wasn’t going to be hard on him for watching some smut on the internet. At least it hadn’t been violent smut. If he’d been watching that or child pornography that would have been a completely different ball game. I couldn’t have forgiven that. I’d leave if I thought I was married to a paedophile.