I’ve decided to keep a diary – not a normal diary where you say “Got up, had breakfast, took the children to school,” that kind of thing. I don’t see the point of that. No a diary where I write about my feelings or incidents that have affected me. The sort of things I might discuss with an intimate friend, if I trusted anyone enough, which I don’t. I’m hoping by writing things down it will help me understand myself better, hoping I might become a better wife. I’ve been inspired to do this after putting down my memories since I’ve been an adult in the first section of this writing.
I’ll start with the present as my current misgivings with my life are what has inspired me to start writing. Tim and I have been married for ten years now and we’ve two beautiful little children, one boy, William, and one girl, Diana, aged 6 and 4. I chose the names as I’m a bit of a royalist and I loved Princess Di. They were quite different as babies. Will was very beautiful, everyone admired him where ever we went but he was difficult. He never seemed happy on my breast, wouldn’t take a dummy and cried a lot. Tim was marvellous with him. He’s a lighter sleeper than me and most of the time when Will woke in the night it would be Tim that got up for him. Will’s a lovely little boy now, looks terrific in his school uniform and he’s obviously very bright. Di was the easiest, most placid baby anybody could wish for and she’s grown up to this pretty dreamy little girl. Just started school. We decided to send them to the local village school although most of my friends’ children go to Eden House, the local prep school. Tim and I had a bit of a battle about that as I had wanted to go down the private school route and Tim wanted to send them to the local state school. Tim’s arguments were stronger. The logistics of driving the children to Eden House every morning and picking them up every afternoon when we’re both so busy would have been difficult. Also Dad stuck his oar in and offered to pay for them to go to the private school and me being me that was the clincher. Always the rebel. They both seem happy now and have local friends which is nice and actually having children at the village school has helped us become part of the community, both things I hadn’t considered when I was routing for Eden House. I’d just wanted the best education for my children and didn’t want my children mixing with kids from the council estate. From what I’ve seen and heard about the village school children do very well there and I’m glad that I didn’t insist on my choice. After all they have to learn to mix with all sorts. I don’t want them growing up in a rarefied atmosphere of just children of the rich.
Tim loves his life, he still adores me and he loves the children. Plants are his passion and he is slowly building up a loyal following of customers. However the business limps along from one crisis to another and takes up far too much of his time. I insisted he put a manager in the nursery because otherwise we’d have no time together. Before that he was working 7 days a week in the summer and I had to take holidays on my own. Tim takes a small wage from the business. He says the reason he can’t pay himself more is because Erwin, his manager, is creaming off most of the profit. Dad doesn’t help. He thinks Tim’s business is under capitalised and wants me to give it a boost. Tim refuses.
Tim is very proud and very stubborn, He says he wants to maintain his independence and self respect so insists on paying half of everything even though it’s a complete nonsense and he doesn’t anyway. In fact I had to buy Tim a car for his Christmas present several years ago as he only had the business van and that wasn’t very reliable. In fact everything of value, all the nice furniture, TV and so on I’ve bought otherwise we wouldn’t have anything nice. And then there’s the house. We lived in the bungalow that came with the nursery for the first three years. I wasn’t very happy there as I was used to a higher standard of living but I compromised as Tim brought that into the marriage. When we started trying for a child I started pushing to move, saying the nursery wasn’t a nice place to bring up children. I think that Tim had had enough of living on his business premises anyway and he could see sense in my argument. Then the next stage was that he wanted a place where he could get a mortgage for half the value of the property, so in theory it would be half his. When he looked into what kind of mortgage he could get with his pathetic salary he realised this idea was a non-starter. I kept telling him that we were married and what was mine was his. Reluctantly he accepted that our new family home would be bought with my money. At first he baulked at the kind of property that appealed to me. But when he realised how lovely some of these houses were he was as enthusiastic as me. It was as if he realised for the first time what you could have if you were wealthy. We bought a lovely property in the village of xxxx, just outside Newcastle-under-Lyme. It had five big bedrooms and was set in lovely grounds with a triple garage. I know Tim would love to have time to look after the garden but he’s had to accept that he can’t so we employ a part time gardener. I also insisted in paying for a cleaner because there was no way I was going to do it all and Tim was never there.
So how do I feel? Really I’m undecided. I love my children. I love my house. But I’m not sure if I love my life. I had such a good time before I got married, travelling, boating, going to parties, eating at fancy restaurants. Now I’m not able to do many of these. We did go on a boating holiday in Dad’s boat a couple of years ago but that wasn’t a success. Dad and Tim don’t get on. Tim thinks Dad drinks too much and is too right wing, calls him the fascist. Dad thinks Tim is an idealistic fool. They’ve had some very heated political discussions. Tim would rather be on a sailing boat than on what he calls a floating gin palace and he refuses to ask Griff, the steward on the boat, for anything, saying he doesn’t agree with having servants. I’m upset this trip didn’t work out as I adore being at sea, sailing into wonderful harbours like Ibiza town, anchoring in lovely bays.
In spite of me saying it didn’t work out we did manage to have some lovely times that holiday, thinking about it has brought them back. Sitting at anchor after a morning swimming, snorkelling and water-skiing behind the tender; a lovely spread of goodies on the huge table on the stern deck for lunch washed down with a few glasses of sangria; an afternoon snooze in the luxurious cabin, usually interspersed by one or two bouts of tender lovemaking. Wonderful!
Anyway Dad’s decided to sell the boat so that option isn’t open to us anymore. Tim wants to take us camping in France as he remembers how much he adored his childhood holidays doing just that. I remember he tried to get me camping years ago when we first got together. I refused then and I would have refused now if it weren’t for pressure from the kids. Most of their friends go camping and I think Tim’s been brainwashing them too. I’ve finally agreed but only if we stay in a static luxury caravan. What a comedown for a girl used to staying only in the best hotels! So we’re off to France next month.
The other day Tim tried to persuade me to go out into the fields and pick blackberries. I said I had tried it once when I was little and all I could remember was getting prickled and stung.
“Anyway I don’t see the point. You can buy big juicy blackberries in the shops now. Why waste an afternoon getting an inferior product, coming back scratched and stung? I’ve better things to do with my time.”
“Like shopping or watching the box,” said Tim angrily. “It’s celebrating one of our old ways of life when we were hunter gathers; it’s celebrating autumn, the time of the harvest and anyway it’s good to get some fresh air.
“I’m going anyway. You can do what the hell you like. And I’ll make some jam with my pickings – another celebration of our old way of life.”
“You’ll just end up an eccentric old fogey like your Mum and Dad.”
I regretted having said that as soon as the words erupted from my mouth. Tim looked absolutely furious but he didn’t say anything, just stormed out of the house with a bag to collect his precious blackberries in. I knew I’d gone too far but he seemed to be on another planet to the one I was on.
When he came back I was sat watching Countdown on the TV with a nice glass of cold Chardonnay very content. Tim made a lot of noise clunking about in the kitchen. I supposed he was making jam but I wasn’t really interested. If we’d grown apart it was his bloody fault. I hadn’t changed.
Later that night when I’d had more time to think about things I thought that probably Tim hadn’t changed either. After all no one really changes that much. What had changed was my perception of him. I’d deluded myself into thinking he was a different person than the one he was. I’d deluded myself into thinking I could be someone I wasn’t. I had admired what Tim stood for and thought that I could mature into a more plant-loving, country type of person who wasn’t materialistic. Now I knew I was my father’s daughter, a rich girl who enjoyed the trappings of wealth and wasn’t interested in global warming, energy conservation or any of the stuff that seemed to be of major concern to Tim.
It was a pivotal moment as then I realised that my husband and I weren’t suited. I thought I still loved him but I don’t think I respected him any more. Was that going to be terminal?